When I first considered writing a review on V 2007 I thought it would be a piece of piss. During the 2 days of music and 3 days of drinking so much takes place that there was no doubt in my mind it would be easy to knock up a decent post. But when I sat down and started recalling the weekend, the realisation hit me that it would actually be a tricky job.

When you go to a standard gig it is only necessary to comment on the main band, while possibly reserving a sentence or two for the warm up act(s). But a festival is a different kettle of fish. At this kind of event you are combining 3 days of tomfoolery in a massive field with a choice of well over 100 artists to listen to.

The first big decision it’s necessary to make on arriving at the venue is where to pitch the tent. The spot you pick needs to be situated close to the stage-end of the field, while being as far away from the portaloos as possible. This is irrelevant at Glastonbury as anyone attending that particular festival expects, and in fact craves, to get covered in shit. It’s all part of the experience and if they go home smelling of anything other than a cesspit they are disappointed. The festival-goers at V, I feel, are a slightly different breed. Here all the girls walked around in pretty pink Wellington boots and belt skirts, not in the hope or expectation that they would get their feet dirty, but because they thought it was the kind of look one should have at such an event. At Glastonbury a pair of trainers with their soles hanging off would have been substantial and robust enough to deal with torrential rain and flooded fields. Of course, I should remind myself that I was at the Hylands Park venue, in Essex, this time and perhaps that had something to do with the scanty attire of the ladies. I seem to remember everyone wearing a lot more clothes when I went to the Stafford venue a few years ago and it was a damn sight hotter.

Having pitched the tent and cracked open the first of many canned beverages it’s then time to make the second decision. Which bands should we watch? Sitting in a circle under our gazebo were about 10 people, representing a cross section of society. So, it was obvious that we would all have different priorities when it came to our favourite artists. What was certain right from the start, though, was that all present had their hearts set on seeing The Proclaimers early doors on the Saturday.

The next day, 5 minutes into The Proclaimers’ set everyone was getting restless. A few thousand people had gathered to hear them with only one thing on their mind. And of course, that was to get some beer. But the queue for the beer tokens was so long that all present were having to put up with “Wee Jimmy”, or whatever this band’s latest drivel is called, without being the slightest bit intoxicated.

Oh I’m sorry, please ignore the last two sentences. That was supposed to say, the one thing everyone had on their mind was to hear “I would walk 500 miles by The Proclaimers. This is the only song anyone knows by this band, so predictably they left it until the end. I’m sure this was not because it is good to finish on a high note, but rather due to the fact that everyone would have left the arena if they had played it any earlier.

Obviously The Proclaimers were recruited to the V line-up as a novelty piece. A way of setting a benchmark of comparison for the rest of the weekend. It was a shrewd move by the organisers to put them on one of the main stages first. They knew that when any other bands played thereafter, the very least anyone would say was “well, they’re better than The Proclaimers.” Against them, every artist would appear good. That is, except for Mark Ronson.

I’ll post the rest of the V review in a day or so (with more musical content next time).

And as a tribute to The Proclaimers….

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